As I sit in my kitchen writing this post an hour or so before I plan on posting it….again; I can’t help but put my thoughts and emotions on paper..or computer. I feel like God puts some things heavy on our hearts for a reason.
You all probably can relate with this in some shape or form, but I feel like like these past few weeks have been hard and crazy. I have enough dirty dishes on my kitchen counter feed an army, I have leftover food wrappers in my car from always eating my meals on the go, my laundry is piled to the ceiling, I am 15-30 minutes late to everything, I forget what it feels like to have free time, and I can’t remember the last time I ate dinner before 8 PM. Life is crazy.
On a more personal level, I also feel like I have let so many people down, that I am not good enough, and I have been struggling lately with rejection and loneliness. I don’t know why I get these thoughts in my head because I have the most amazing friends in the world. I think it is more of a fear of losing the friends that I have and being left in the dust. I have gone through several friendship breakups where I have no idea to this day what I did that caused those friends to stop responding back to my messages. I also have been a person who tends to be the 7th wheel in group settings. I don’t know if it’s my height, personality, or what. This is ridiculous, but I will not ask people to hang out because I don’t want them to have to come up with a reason why they can’t hang out with me.
I am sure most of you reading this are thinking, “Come on girl, your life seems perfect on Instagram. You get to shop and try out amazing products for a living, there is no way you can be struggling over that. ” I get this a lot on Instagram and it kills me to know that some of you think that I am this perfect person. I am NOT. I get rejected from brands, I have cellulite, I get angry and yell sometimes, and I have nights where I break down into tears. I got TWO emails last week saying, “sorry we don’t want to collaborate with you this month”. And they were from brands that I truly love. It was hard and I cried a little, but I want you to know that the thoughts of “I am not good enough, I am ugly, I am just not a good person” started flooding through my mind when I read those emails.
Rejection SUCKS, but it is also a “life bumper” pushing you in the right direction. Life is going to throw you situations where you will be said no to, or times where you will not be included, or times where people will get mad and frustrated with you and you have no idea why. My advice for you and myself is to always show love and grace. I am laughing as I am typing this because I am so guilty of not showing grace to people who have hurt me, and here I am needing to take my own advice.
So here’s where it gets interesting:
Ask yourself: “Has there been a time where I didn’t invite or include someone even though it was unintentional? ” GIRL, I am SURE I have rejected or left out someone in some shape or form in my life. Whether if it is not talking to them at a get together, or inviting them to something. As hard and embarassing it is to say, I know I have done this. As I am writing this I can feel those toxic thoughts of being left out and alone diminish, because I have been on the other side, even if it was 100% unintentional.
This is the part where I am supposed to tell you how I had this major life change and I share how to overcame this and I then go on giving you “x” amount of tips to overcome it. However; that is not the case. Those insecure thoughts still run in my head daily, BUT The important part of any time we feel stressed or overwhelmed is how we react to those times. I made the decision that every time I get to these tipping points I will stop and pray. I pray about the positives in life instead of just asking God to take the negatives away. I shift my focus from the bad things in my life that I have no control over, to the things that are good and life filling. I pray on how I can show love and grace to others.